I’m a neuroscientist by training so I often look at aspects of communication and leadership from the perspective of how our brain responds. Recently, I found myself applying this neuro lens to the very difficult conversations so many of us find ourselves part of –or trying to avoid.
Let’s face it, we are confronted with serious, often polarizing issues on a daily basis. Some of these issues step before us at work or professional settings, others in social or community venues. But there they are. These issues are not simple or clear cut and many have existed for much of modern (and not so modern) history. Some have been exacerbated by the pandemic and other events within our world over the past several years.
But we don’t seem to make any forward progress and in some cases things seem to be getting worse. We hear from pundits and so-called experts who claim to know what’s best—for all of us. We hear and see anger, frustration and sometimes acts of violence.
My question is: are we having real conversations—real discussions intended to understand the issues, other individual’s perspectives and the range of factors surrounding these issues. Do we hear conversations that invite us and others to engage in finding solutions? Do these conversations seek diverse opinions and ideas?
A few years ago, I had the privilege of participating in a course offered by the late Judith Glaser on “Conversational Intelligence ®(C-IQ). C-Q explores how conversations go wrong and go nowhere; how conversations can evoke what is termed “amygdala hijacking”—essentially creating a flight or fight situation where individuals have gut reactions and don’t even process what they are hearing. The outcome—nothing. More distrust, no connection, no solution and no progress.
“Difficult conversations often arise when people disagree with each other – leading to anger, frustration, avoidance or even intimidation. Someone wants to be ‘right’.
When people disagree, it is often how they interpret the ‘facts’ and create different ‘stories’ – different ways of interpreting the situation, conversation or event.” Judith Glaser
Judith Glaser developed a tool—the Ladder of Conclusions—which supports opening up a safe space to share, discover other’s views and experiences and move from conversations that create an amygdala hijack to transformational conversations. The latter is the space where we can begin to truly understand issues and collaborate and brainstorm solutions.
But let’s be clear, no tools will be effective without hard work and courage. We need to move people from being resistors, to skeptics, and ultimately to co-creators in finding effective solutions. And to do so, we must be willing to listen to understand others and resist forming conclusions.
As leaders at every level, it is our job to create the environment that supports active listening and asking thoughtful questions; an environment that invites looking at what-ifs and accepts that when we address tough issues we don’t get it right the first time (or the second or third time for that matter).
We can begin by being role models. Rather than jumping to conclusions and reacting with the emotions that we experience, we need to learn to step back, take a deep breath and listen. We need to demonstrate how to ask questions in order to better understand and we must make it comfortable for others to join in our conversations, even if they are the most difficult ones.
“To get to our next level of greatness depends on the quality of our culture, which depends on the quality of our relationships, which depends on the quality of our conversations… Everything happens through conversation!” – Judith E. Glaser –